Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Trapped in the dogma of my morality

I had a very bizarre dream last night – I dreamt someone I have developed abhorrence towards over the years, had passed away. Folks of the deceased were sitting across the table and I had nothing to say to them; no words of condolence, no comfort to offer, nothing. She was telling me he was no more and I was as indifferent, as indifferent as I would’ve been if someone told me that the store down the road had shut down. I was staring at her with no feeling whatsoever. I’m not quite sure if I would’ve been that apathetic in reality, but I’m pretty sure I would’ve reacted.

It made me ponder over my relationship with the person in reality; I have my differences with him, but had he gone so far and done so much in building in me such a strong dislike towards him? Perhaps he has. Doesn’t the past that we have had account for anything? Perhaps not. Isn’t there any room for forgiving him? I’m not sure. Can I forget the pain that my loved ones felt? Never.

Sometimes, you want to be the matured one and let go off the grudges you hold, but the more that you want to let them go, the scars that they have left disturb you; they haunt you enough to give you sleepless nights, to make you feel you have been duped, to make you prove that your relationship meant nothing in the first place or it wouldn’t have happened. I believe in my side of the story and I am certain that I’m being rational enough in adjudging the situation to have come to the conclusion. But, is that indifference justified?

How do I free myself from the dogma of my morality?

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