I have been meaning to get down to writing this for a very long time, but somehow the prospect of writing about it petrified me. Maybe it was not being entirely petrified, but more of denial; denial of not wanting to admit that he was no more. Writing this would have meant I finally had come to terms with it and I didn’t want to. But then, the other night, while I was at dinner with a friend at the same place that him and I visited almost every other week, that emptiness of not having him sit across me, sipping on his beer and approving of my taste for whiskey came to me. I opened my message thread with him to see my numerous messages that had not been replied to. It was then that I grasped that I would never have him around to do all that he used to do.
The last time we were there, we discussed past-life regression and how it set him free. Perhaps, that was what freed him from the fiends of his past and truly liberalized him – free enough to drift away without pain. We talked about the law of attraction and concocted new theories to why things have happened in our lives. He was someone who understood the unspoken; he just knew where I was coming from. Whether we’d meet after a year or a month, we were always on the same page and kicked off right from where we had left it behind.
He was someone that I could trust almost as instinctively as I would trust myself; he was my secret-keeper and my accomplice in everything I did. We had imagined the most beautiful dreams that we could have had together for the different things we wanted. He egged me on to believing, keeping faith, trusting and pursuing all that I wanted for myself while I shielded his fears. If there is anyone who understood me better than anybody else, it was him. We complemented each other as well as anybody could. One thing he said that I would never forget is, “Don’t let anybody distract you or come in between you and your dreams; if they really care, they’ll only back you, not pull you down.”
Our last meeting before the accident was one that will never leave me; we laughed, and laughed for hours! What was a random, unplanned meet, turned out to be one of my fondest memories with him. He even mentioned that afternoon that he hadn’t laughed like that in ages. It was beautiful; taintless. The bond we shared was paranormal; when I once met him after about six months, I asked him if he got a tattoo immediately after hugging him. Till today, I have no idea why the thought occurred, but it did and he did actually get a tattoo – not a little one, but he tattooed his entire back!
It is said that there is a reason why different people are a part of your life at different times... I couldn’t have believed in it more after my time with him. If anyone made the most of their life, it was him. If everything has its place and time, it perhaps was his time, but not without having made a difference to many who will live on and fulfill his dreams for them. He lives in me and always will.
Ever since January 20th, my dreams have been only mine with nobody to share, and as I see it, that’s how it’s going to be henceforward.
I miss you Abhi, and miss you heaps.
I know you’re watching – you’re the light inside me to take me where I want to go.